Fading Memory

 At a standstill, with this one. Not getting what I wanted, out of it. Aesthetically pleasing, but not in the way I wanted. Meaning is weaker than intended.

breathe in
feel me all around you
ache for me. hurt for the warmth
of my breath in your ear, the thrill of my hair
tickling your neck, the pounding
of my heart against
your chest
breathe

hold me there
hold me as long as you can
keep me when the worn and weathered
hands of time have woven their weary fingers into
the stitchings sewn between us and unraveled
the threads that have held us
together for so long
breathe

remember me
when i no longer
see the gentle curves of your
menacingly sweet smile, reaching up
to your cheeks and ears, coloring them with glowing warmth
and deepening the lines of regret that have settled
into your brow. remember me, even after
we have become nothing but
familiar strangers
breathe me in.

Long Distance

We are tied together by the modern teenage phenomenon of texting. Hide your head, cover your face, deny it all you want, but we are undeniably and inexcusably
dependent upon it.

We smile at each other through emoticons and laugh together with LOLs. We give up romantic weekends out for late night video chats. You can't kiss me goodnight at my doorstep, so you call me, instead. For what we believed to be the most integral parts of a relationship,we have managed to find substitutes.

I hesitate to tell you, but I do wonder. I wonder what it would be like to not feel this way. To not wonder how much longer I can hold my heart together as it s t r e t c h e s the hundred miles to you.To go on double dates and show you off with more than just a picture. To know you're here when I need you. To see you without busses and trains and planning. To have you.

I am afraid, because I forget. I forget the way your neck smells when I burry my head into you. I forget the scratchy, tickley feeling of your beard when you rub your chin on my cheek. I forget the roughness of your palms when you take my hand. I forget the softness of your lips and how they fit over mineand the slight sigh
you make when we kiss.

But as much as I wonder and as afraid as I may be there is no other way, there is no other choice, there is no other life for us, anymore. My heart has wandered blindly, somehow making its way to you, and I don't think that it can ever find it's way back, without you.

I will smile with emoticons, if you will be the one smiling back. I will lower myself to LOLs, as long as it means that you are laughing. I will skip romantic weekends out, if you will be on the other side of the video. I will give up goodnight kisses, if you will be the one to call, because I know that at some point, no matter how long it may be, these things will come, and I will have you for more than a weekend, for more than a phone call, for more than a text. I will have you.

collection of thoughts

Absolutely no rhyme or reason to this. Just a jumbling of lines that came, while I was listening to the radio. Make of it what you will-- this is not supposed to be a finished, coherent, piece.

I hope, tonight, that you will reach
to touch my hand
and forget, forget, forget.

I pray that you are well, that someone
will touch your heart again
Not to be the one you never speak about
Not to be forgotten
since true love wasn't enough
But you couldn't even save yourself
You couldn't even-
Hush now, don't cry.

Only in our memories, now, and in the empty spaces
but we can forget, forget.
When love isn't enough.

When happiness risks more pain than you can bear.
Forget.

He Loves Me

I snuggle my head into his shoulder,

Feeling his muscles flex

As he pulls me closer to him.

He smells of aftershave and cooking grease

Familiarity

I breathe it in deeply

Memorizing.

I’m warm and sleepy

With him wrapped around me

And the rhythm of his breathing

Next to my ear begins to sound

Like a lullaby, soothing me to sleep,

But I know that I can only fight sleep for so long.

The bed creaks, as the pressure

Of my weight is released,

But he begs me

Not to leave tonight.

I stand, but feel his arms

Around my waist,

Pulling me back down to him.

He presses his palms into my thighs,

Pushing them up into my hips

Digging them into my waist

Cupping them around my breasts,

Pressing his weight

Onto my chest, and

I gasp for air, but try

To camouflage my innocence

Because he knows

Where to go 
And how to get there,

And naivety will get me left behind

So I follow.

He loosens his grip and moves delicately

To the back of my neck,

Lifting my face towards his.

Eyes closed

Lips open

Distracting me, while he inches

His way back down

To my hips, maneuvering through

The obstacle course of

Belt, button, and zipper

Like the expert that he is.

His fingers snake their way

Into the waist of my jeans.

I think that I’m supposed to say something

Alluring or do something

Sexy but I don’t know

And I’m afraid

I grab his wrist to stop him

To tell him ‘no’ but

 I need time to think and

I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know

He doesn’t give 
me time to think before

I feel him in me

And I close my eyes

And I turn my head

And I wait

And listen as he says

That it’s okay

Because he loves me.

Until My Dying Day

           We sat in the giant purple love seat in my living room, and he kissed me, finally, during the closing credits. He could play the songs from the soundtrack, beautifully, on his black and white, pinstriped guitar. Sometimes, I would attempt to follow along, my fingers stumbling over the piano keys of the ancient, out-of-tune piano in his living room, but, usually, I would just listen, curling up next to him, snuggling into his shoulder and breathing in his scent of aftershave and cooking grease. We quoted the lines and knew every lyric.

We were in his little blue Scion, driving back from dinner at Bottom’s Up Pizza, listening to the radio. I knew he was going to play our song, when he clicked on the CD player in his car, giving me that look that I knew so well- narrowing his eyes a little, focusing in on me, the right corner of his mouth turning up in a slight smile. Track 7. “Never knew I could feel like this,” he began.

“Come what may

             Come what may

             I will love you,

             until my dying day.”

            As he sang the last two lines, holding my left hand in his right, steadying the steering wheel against his knee, he squeezed my fingers three times. I- love- you. I understood. From then on, it didn’t matter where we were, who we were with, if we could speak out loud or not- three small touches were all we needed. I love you, “until my dying day.” It fixed everything- every fight about his neediness or my lack of appreciation, my over-emotional temperament or his lack thereof. Three touches, three words, and all was forgotten.

At seventeen, it was easy to fall in love, easy to promise to give our lives to each other, easy to ignore reality and foresee only a happily-ever-after. It was easy to keep counting the days of our togetherness- three weeks, two months, four months and a week and three days, or some other obscenely insignificant number that made us feel the need to celebrate, as if we were surprised that things that worked out for long. As if we were waiting for things to fall apart.

Dear No One

One day

we’ll take midnight walks

down the streets

of my neighborhood

barefoot

in too much of a rush

to be alone

to bother

with tying laces

One day

I’ll spray lavender perfume

on my chest

and wrists

to keep you close

but you’re favorite scent

you’ll tell me

is the way the nape

of my neck smells

when you kiss it

One day

you’ll know

how to hold my hand

fingers twisted together

with my thumb over yours

the way I like it

One day

you’ll know

that a kiss

on my forehead

is the cure

for every stress

every headache

every long day

One day

I’ll press

your palm against mine

and think

about how tiny

my hand looks

in yours

and how, despite my

5 foot 8, 150 pound frame

I feel delicate

One day

you’ll count

all my freckles

even remembering the one

on my little toe

determined to memorize

each constellation

mapped out

across my skin

One day

Now and Then

I came to the place

where the sun shines down gently

like lazy, luxurious, sleepy mornings

and the waves crash passionately

like the restless nights that have passed

Where were came

so long ago

lost in our own selves

Alone in togetherness.

I came to the place

where the water gently quivers

distorting the image

of a delicate, gentle face

reflected in the glittery, silvery mirror

lying beneath the water

I came to the place

where the last of

summer’s sweet symphony

still sounds clearly

echoing a wordless melody

that only we can know.

I came to the place

where the wind blows

cool and crisp

running its gentle, seductive fingers

through my hair

and against my lips

breathing a name

into my soul.

The Choice

another short story attempt. sophomore year of high school
 
 It was a cool, spring evening, as Ava hurried downstairs to answer the doorbell. “Hey, baby. You ready?” Connor asked her as she let him in. “Yeah, I think so,” she said. He leaned towards her to give her a “hello” kiss. He looked stunning, as always; too perfect to be true. Blue eyes, thick wavy, brown hair, tan swimmer’s body… perfection. Sometimes she wondered why he had chosen her. With her untamable, curly hair, full figure, freckles across her nose and cheeks, she was far from perfect, she thought. Connor smiled at her as she considered their differences, oblivious to what she thought. “You’ll have fun with the girls tonight, and it’ll be good to get all the last details in early; don’t you think? The big day’s coming up pretty quickly. Can you believe it?!” he said wrapping his arm around her and pulling her in close, kissing the side of her head as he did so. Ava shook her head, “No, I can’t.” Connor kissed her cheek and led her out towards his car, parked next to the curb, on the side of the street.

As they came down the white, wooden stairs of her front porch, Ava stopped and grabbed Connor’s hand, quickly. “Look!” she said excitedly. She was pointing to the robin’s nest sitting in the little holly bush in front of her house. “The birds! They’re gone!”

“No, I think there’s one left. See him, there?” Connor said, pointing to one, little robin alone in the nest.

Ava’s smile faded. “Why didn’t he fly away with the rest of them? What’s wrong with him?” she asked, anxiously.

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Connor said, walking to his car without a second glance.

There had been three of them, and she had watched them, curiously, in their nest, every day. Now, there was just the one, unable to be on his own… too young and small to fly away like he was supposed to, or, perhaps, just too afraid.

Her thoughts were distracted when she heard Connor’s voice reminding her that they would be late, if she did not hurry up. The ignition was already running and ready to go. Ava shook the birds from her mind and nestled herself into the front seat next to Connor. She sat, quietly, until the car eventually stopped in front of an enormous, brick building. Almost out of habit, she leaned over and kissed Connor before leaving. “Bye, baby,” he said. She gave him a smile and pushed the door open.

Ava stepped out of the car, her bare feet touching the rough, cool sidewalk with a thick, beige garment bag, which contained her wedding dress, slung carelessly over her shoulder, and her shoes, white strappy heels, hooked over her thumb in her other hand. She proceeded up the sidewalk, closing her eyes and breathing in the fresh springtime air. A brisk breeze blew past her, lifting her veil, already carefully pinned into place, up around her head. She smiled, smoothing it back down, realizing how silly she must look in her sweatpants, bunching loosely around her legs, paired with her white, laced veil secured around her auburn curls. The veil was thin and delicate-looking. It had been her mother’s, and she remembered the unmistakable pride she had seen in her mother’s eyes when she had put it on for the first time. Hayden clung to that feeling of satisfaction. Maybe she was doing the right thing, after all.

At the end of the sidewalk, she faced an old, thick, wooden door. On it was a heavy brass handle that stuck a little when she turned it. The door creaked as she pushed it open with her shoulder. The women, huddled together inside, all turned and ran towards her, embracing her. Their faces were flushed and excited, and they giggled, clinking their champagne glasses together. She didn’t want to be here in the first place, honestly. There was still a short while before her wedding day, but her friends, living vicariously through her “perfect romance,” wanted to make sure everything went smoothly. No, more than smoothly. They would make sure everything was perfect.

Matching bridesmaid dresses, invitations with expensive tissue paper and lace around the edges, table cloths to match the flowers, continuous trials of hair and makeup… it seemed kind of over-done; all that work for just one day of your life. She could not think of a single detail that had not been checked at least twice already, and here she was in full hair and makeup, two weeks before her wedding.

Unzipping the bag that was still draped over her shoulder, Ava revealed a beautiful white dress, which had been breathtaking when she had tried it on. The halter clipped together at the back of her neck complimenting the v-cut neckline which. The bodice was fitted around her torso, which contrasted perfectly with the skirt that swelled out around her legs and fell gracefully down to the floor, trailing behind her in a long train. It really was stunning, she had to admit. The women let the material slide through their fingers, sighing with envy.

After a while, Ava slipped away, through another set of huge, wooden door. Standing alone, she flicked the light switch just to the right of the door, and the church filled with light, revealing at least ten rows of worn, wooden pews. Slowly walking down the aisle, to the wooden cross which stood in front of the altar, she began to picture herself in that dress, walking arm in arm with her father, to the man with whom she would spend the rest of her life. Smiling, he would take her hand to lead her the rest of the way. “Till death do us part.”

She had been dating Connor for about a year when they became engaged, and it bad been a good year, for the most part. Connor was sweet to her. He was the perfect gentlemen, opening doors, always complementing her, picking out the perfect gifts for all the right occasions. He was handsome, funny, charismatic, had a stable job at his father’s successful landscaping company, and had been a hit with her family from the start. He really loved her, which was something that Ava held onto with everything she had.

Connor was predictable. So by-the-book about romance. Ava had learned to accept the predictability and routine that was so unlike her spontaneous, passionate personality. She liked Connor of course she did. Maybe, she even loved him… These thoughts, she shook out of her head as quickly as they came in. She loved him; she knew she did.

Ava had always been a free spirit, a stubborn girl with big hopes, never settling for anything less than what she could dream up. She had had plans of becoming a world-famous photographer, traveling globe for National Geographic, living from place to place, always on the move, doing something unforgettable, but things had changed. She had grown up. She knew that her new life would keep her here…with Connor

The reason for the way things were, the cause of it all, she remembered too well. He had picked her up, annoyingly on time, as always, and had taken her to the Hilton Hotel in Pittsburgh, where they both lived.

“Come with me for a minute. I need to show you something,” Connor said to her. She allowed him to weave his fingers into hers and lead her out of the dinning hall, where they had just finished their dinner. She was wearing her little, strapless, black dress. The dress complimented her figure, hugging her in all the right places, showing off her full and curvy body. She loved the way she looked in the dress, which was unusual.

Ava stood up from the table, taking Connor’s hand, and squeezed it tightly, feeling the excitement of the moment, surprised at how much she was enjoying herself with Connor. The suspense was building up, as he led her through the dinning room and out of the lobby.

“Okay,” Connor said, “Close your eyes.”

“Why? What is it?” she pleaded, wide-eyed and child-like.

Connor laughed. “You’ll see!” I promise. It’s all worth it. Just close your eyes.”

She did so, and he kissed her forehead, taking her hand again. Ava heard him take in a deep breath as he opened a door and led her through it, her eyes shut tightly. She could hear voices hovering in the air around her in tiny whispers.

“Ava?” came Connor’s voice, softer now.

“Yes?” she said in a high, girlish voice, drawing out every letter.

“Open your eyes.”

She looked around and caught her breath when she saw the faces starting back at her, smiling. All were absolutely beaming, so aware of what was happening, so excited, and so honored to play a part in it. She saw her parents first, standing in front of her. Her mother’s eyes welled up with tears as her smile spread from ear to ear. Her mother gave her a small, encouraging wave and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. Hayden’s attention snapped back to Connor as she realized what this all must mean.

“Connor, what-”

Connor knelt down on the floor in front of her, suave and confident. He lifted his steady hands up to reveal a small, black, velvet box, which, when he opened it, displayed the most dazzling diamond secured on a delicate looking white-gold band.

“Connor…” she started, taking a step back.

“Ava Elizabeth Collins,” he began, looking into her eyes.

“Connor. I-”

“I love you with all my heart.”

“Please! Please, Connor,” she whispered desperately.

“Will you marry me? Make me happiest man on earth?”

Her eyes stung with the tears she fought to hold back, and her throat caught on the words she tried so frantically to get out. Her bright, sapphire eyes, darkened with fear and anticipation as she met the gaze of those she loved, watching, waiting for a reply. She looked at her mother, and silently begged her for an answer, pleading for the right choice to be handed to her. The seconds stretched on, and the faces staring back at her shifted uncomfortably. Ava turned back towards Connor, hanging a painful smile on her face. “Of course,” she pronounced loud enough for everyone to hear.

Immediately, a flash of white, waving about in one the corners of the room, caught her attention. Ava could just make out the shape of a little bird cowering in the corner, trying to escape. It had flown in, looking for a safe place to go, but now it flinched in fear as the waiters came at it, waiving their white dishtowels and shooing it away. Ava watched as the waiters waved the white towels around, and she thought of a wedding veil. She watched as the veil frightened the little bird until it finally got its bearings and flew out the door without a second glance at what it had left behind.

Applause broke out with cheers and whistles. It Connor took her face in both hands and kissed her hard, but she could not understand why, at that moment, it wasn’t his face that came to mind when she closed her eyes, kissing him back. Instead, her mind drifted far away to faces she had once known so well. They had come and gone like so many others; successes and failures all leading to this.

Scrambling through the front door, arms full of brown, paper grocery bags, Ava hit the flashing red button on her answering machine as she stumbled into the kitchen. She set the heavy bags down on the counter and began unpacking them as she listened to the message. She recognized the voice as her mother’s.

“Ava?” Pause. “Hayden, honey, it’s Mom. Pick up.” There was another brief pause. “Okay, well I guess you already left with Connor for tonight. Well, I just wanted to say that I am getting ready to leave for the airport with your dad. We won’t be getting in until late tonight, and we’ll rent a car to your place, so don’t worry about coming to get us. You just have a good time, and really enjoy yourself tonight, Hun. Okay? You deserve that. It’s only a couple days before the wedding! This is it, sweetie. Your life will never be the same. You will never be the same. You’re going down a whole new road, now. I am so, so proud of you. I can’t even being to tell you. This is such a huge step. You should be so happy. You have made me the happiest mother alive. Well, this message is a little long, so I will sign off here. I love you, and thank you for making me so proud. Bye, sweetie.”

Ava’s stomach sank as the message clicked off. “Your life will never be the same. You will never be the same.” The words replayed in her head. “I am so, so proud of you.”

Ava looked out the window, where the robin’s nest still sat in the holly bush. Her heart stopped, and her breath caught in her chest. She scanned the bush and looked on the ground, but there was no mistaking it. She stood, motionless, staring into the empty nest. The last little bird had finally flown away. He was gone. He had done it.

“You should be so happy,” her mother had said. Ava’s heavy heart felt like a weight in her chest. Her mind spun in circles. She let the tears flow carelessly and abundantly, without thinking of stopping them. Great, hysteric, sobs shook her body, violently, and the tears continued to rain down her face, staining her cheeks. Ava fumbled through the messes on her desk in the corner, knocking books and papers over as she did so. Her vision was blurred from her tears, and her eyes stung, but she continued searching until she found a pen and paper. Ava wrote down the only words she could think of, hoping that, in some way, it would be enough, at least for the time being. She would never forgive herself for doing this, but she would never be able to live with herself if she didn’t. She left the note on the door, where Connor would find it in a matter of hours, so unaware and unsuspecting. “The last bird has flown away,” and she walked out the door, alone.